Holding out for a HERO

Do you remember the 80’s movie “Footloose” starring Kevin Bacon?

The popular musical theme was a Bonnie Tyler song titled “Holding out for a Hero”.....
Here’s a quick snippet of the lyrics:

“Where have all the good men gone
And where are all the gods?
Where's the street-wise Hercules
To fight the rising odds?
Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed?
Late at night I toss and I turn and I dream of what I need

I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night
He's gotta be strong
And he's gotta be fast
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight
I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light
He's gotta be sure
And it's gotta be soon
And he's gotta be larger than life…”

This evening I was fortunate enough to witness evidence of a true hero in my life, whom which I not only share my life with but also my heart.

Jack and I set out for our usual evening “block walk”, which is named to induce his last poop of the day. As we departed on our usual lap tonight, the temps were warm and the sun was high in the sky. However, as the typical summer storms of late have proven, the skies quickly changed and become dark and foreboding.

As the thunder started to boom, and winds began to blow, my young pup began to grow anxious, as this is still all new to him and his puppy brain.
As we rounded the block, still about halfway home, the rain began to pour down - in buckets. Jack was not a happy camper -and me, still gimping along in my clunky, confining boot- well, it was only a matter of 10 seconds before we were both completely drenched. If it was only me, if would have been OK, for I know I wasn't too terribly far from home, and chances are all would be well. However, as a puppy “Mom”, I could see the anxiety in Jack’s eyes for what was happening all around him. He couldn’t even begin to comprehend all of what was unfolding before his eyes.

No sooner than I realized how stressed out my boy was, and how awful it was not to be able to get out of the rain any sooner than I could, that my hero appeared…not riding a white steed, but driving a black Ford pickup truck. He had seen the storm roll in and was compelled to search the block to rescue Jack & I and save us from the storm.

Even though we weren’t far from home, seeing John driving down the street to rescue Jack & I was awesome. I was very moved, and Jack and I welcomed his warm, dry truck as refuge!

I am still counting my blessings for the special boys in my life. Toby Turtle, for being, well, his turtle-wonderful himself! Jack is my special young man who fills the void Daisy girl left…..and my beloved husband John, whom I have had the supreme pleasure of being married to for almost 25 years. We’ve been thru thick and thin, ups & downs, and have grown stronger and better with each passing day. He truly is my HERO, and for that, I am most thankful.

Everyday HEROES are wonderful gifts, never to be taken for granted in this girls book.

Turn Turn Turn

As I was driving the other day, the song “Turn! Turn! Turn!” by the Byrds came on the radio. Suddenly I found myself captivated by the lyrics I have heard probably thousands of times in my lifetime. For whatever reason, this time they really had profound meaning to me.

"Turn! Turn! Turn!”  by the Byrds

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

I entered into a melancholy state, reflecting on the last decade of my life; all the changes, the losses as well as the gains, the pain, and all the joy.

Ten years ago at this time we were packing up for a dream vacation to Hawaii. I was feeling great, in the best shape of my life, so much so that I even donned my first bikini as we lay upon the beach. I felt wonderful and we made memories to last a lifetime.
Where did the time go? What happened to my life? I blinked and suddenly it’s 10 years later.

My work now vs. 10 years ago is without a doubt infinitely more rewarding, but I am making less money than I used to. A loss? Perhaps, if you look at it as strictly dollars and cents. Would I do it again? You bet. I was dying a slow torturous death at a job I disliked greatly. It was a phenomenal gain for me to shift gears, go back to school, and go in another direction. I am truly blessed because I love my work now.

Several close friends have entered my life within the last 10 years, and each and every one of them left a permanent fingerprint on my heart. A dear friend can shine the light in midst of total darkness.

In 2010 I ran 2 marathons, and logged over 1000 miles….now, I cannot even run around the block. This stings a lot, and feels like a tremendous loss. However, I will not give up hope, nor will I view this as a permanent situation. There has to be a reason for the tumultuous times, the storms of our lives, the ups and downs. I believe one of those reasons is for us to learn from the experience and grow stronger because of the setbacks. Maybe, just maybe, armed with this new knowledge, I can then pay it forward and help someone who may share the same struggles.

Whilst being grounded from running, I feel fortunate that I find I have more time to focus on my writing & personal growth.

It’s rather ironic how confining yet liberating a situation can be. Having my left foot in a boot has definitely forced me to slow down, to take the time to stop and smell the roses. It helps me appreciate things so much more.

It’s an old wives tale that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Yes, change is more difficult, but its absolutely necessary to grow as a person. I don’t want my life to become so predictable and still that it becomes a stagnant pond full of mosquitoes.

Toss me a lifejacket and churn up that water! It’s gonna be a wild ride!

"A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time for love, a time for hate
A time for peace, I swear it's not too late!"

Real Beauty, Defined

They say writing is cathartic, healing, a form of self-expression at its finest; the sharing of intimate thoughts, soul bearing.
I guess it’s time to promote some self healing, as I have attempted to hide my struggles for too long. Now is the time to come clean. Why not put pen to paper and see what happens?

All my life I have struggled with the concept and definition of BEAUTY. Webster defines beauty as such:
“Beauty: a combination of qualities, such as shape, color, or form, that pleases the aesthetic senses, especially the sight.”

My own self realization of beauty was flawed, and I struggled to find where I fit in.

It’s no secret that I have struggled with my weight most of my life. I heard “But you have such a pretty face” followed by “if only you lost weight” so many times I flippin’ lost count. Back in those days, beauty equaled thinness. Having a Mom who was thin, statuesque, and striking didn’t help matters much. Thanks for the genes, Dad.

Fourteen years ago I began a wondrous weight loss journey and felt as though I had finally discovered my true self - Jill - the person I had longed to be all those previous years. As the weight dropped off my body the attention I received grew, and I felt fabulous. Suddenly I was human, worthy, no longer the “fat girl“ sitting in the corner. I grew fit, strong, healthy. I vowed I would never ever go back to the hell that I was bound to all those years prior.

I was able to maintain my weight loss and fitness for quite a while with relative ease, and discovered a passion for running. I couldn’t get enough of it, 5ks, 10ks, 20ks, half marathons, full marathons. I had aspirations of running an ultra marathon before I hit the age of 50. I was golden, set for life….or, so I thought.

Then the auto-immune disease bus rolled into town with a ticket just for little ole’ me. It started innocently enough - hypothyroidism. Please! No big deal, take a pill every day, problem solved. Next came asthma - Pfft! Asthma Phasma! Suck an inhaler, pop a pill, and I’m good to go. Done! (Please note that I do not mean to imply that any of these conditions aren’t life changing and serious, they are -- I was just fortunate enough to get a handle on them with assistance from some great doctors.)

Well, that wasn’t the end of that. After the bus left town the auto-immune train chugged into the depot. Months of excruciating abdominal pain accompanied with the worst case of non-stop Montezuma’s revenge plagued me for several months. No answers, just a plethora of tests that left me even sicker and bathroom-ridden. I must have read 4 novels in the “library” while waiting for an answer to this riddle. Finally, a diagnosis was made- Collagenous Colitis. To be more specific, a form of Inflammatory Bowel disease, closely related to Crohn’s Disease and Ulcerative Colitis - just more rare. Lucky me. I should buy some lottery tickets.

This took more effort to conquer, and some days it still tries to get the better of me. But - I win! Post diagnosis, my belly full of meds and a modified diet, I was back to working out and pounding the pavement. Only major difference was now I knew to scout out all the bathrooms on my route, as well as carry a baggie full of Imodium pills, just in case.

Ha! I am invincible, nothing can stop this girl, right?! Little did I know that my strongest foe thus far was lurking in the shadows, just waiting for the perfect moment to strike.

Hiss! Rheumatoid Arthritis struck like a cobra, along with a smigden of Lupus for good measure (actually they are both intertwined into mixed connective tissue disease). This foe entered my life last year, and down I went.

RA is some seriously nasty stuff, and I am no where near to an answer to this puzzle - YET. Trial and error, with a cocktail of drugs that are wrecking havoc on my body is the game plan for now. Incredibly frustrating in the fact one day can be vastly different from the next. Pain in some fashion is the NEW norm now in my life.

Here is where the perception of “beauty” and its challenges comes into play. With auto-immune diseases, you don’t look “sick” on the outside, but there is a war waging with your body. Your very own cells are literally attacking each other, and it ain’t pretty.

I can see the subtle changes that RA has made to my body already - fingers & toes swell, new nodules blooming on my joints causing pain that makes simple tasks daunting. Puffiness and swelling from the drugs and disease itself, stiffness, malaise…..just to name a few. My body was so dependent upon and now craves the vigorous cardio I was once able to do with ease. As a result, 8 pounds have appeared and it’s hard as hell to get them off. But, work I must - as hard as I can to fight the fight.

I see pictures of myself and cringe, so afraid the 115 pounds lost all those years will come back to me, especially considering my current physical state. However, I know deep in my heart that outward beauty is totally superficial. True beauty is present in so many forms and cannot be easily defined.

True beauty can be present anywhere and anytime, from a simple loving gesture between friends to an exchange of wedding vows between lovers. I see the beauty in the moment as I scoop up my puppy so he can give me “puppy kisses”. I have witnessed a dear friend go thru a cancer diagnosis & subsequent chemotherapy treatments, lose her hair, and blossom into an even more beautiful woman than she was before!

I am privileged to witness inner & outer beauty blooming in my clients as they push thru a hard workout session. Inner beauty reflects their pride and outer beauty showcases their determination and sweat for a job well done! Nothing can compare to that, nothing!

I am always preaching that our weight does not define us, and now I guess it’s my turn to literally practice what I preach. I will work as hard as I can to keep my weight consistent, yet at the same time not lament about 5, 8, or even 10 pounds. True beauty has little to do with outward appearances, and is much more evident in our hearts & souls, our actions, and our behavior towards one another. True beauty shines thru no matter how thick the clouds may be.

I will do my very best every day to nourish my body, exercise as hard as I am able, and most importantly, to feed my soul.
I will not let RA define me as a person, nor will I allow it to take ownership of my life. I will strive to be the very best I can be, every day of my life.

Life is too short to do otherwise. Don’t you agree?