Turn Turn Turn

As I was driving the other day, the song “Turn! Turn! Turn!” by the Byrds came on the radio. Suddenly I found myself captivated by the lyrics I have heard probably thousands of times in my lifetime. For whatever reason, this time they really had profound meaning to me.

"Turn! Turn! Turn!”  by the Byrds

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

I entered into a melancholy state, reflecting on the last decade of my life; all the changes, the losses as well as the gains, the pain, and all the joy.

Ten years ago at this time we were packing up for a dream vacation to Hawaii. I was feeling great, in the best shape of my life, so much so that I even donned my first bikini as we lay upon the beach. I felt wonderful and we made memories to last a lifetime.
Where did the time go? What happened to my life? I blinked and suddenly it’s 10 years later.

My work now vs. 10 years ago is without a doubt infinitely more rewarding, but I am making less money than I used to. A loss? Perhaps, if you look at it as strictly dollars and cents. Would I do it again? You bet. I was dying a slow torturous death at a job I disliked greatly. It was a phenomenal gain for me to shift gears, go back to school, and go in another direction. I am truly blessed because I love my work now.

Several close friends have entered my life within the last 10 years, and each and every one of them left a permanent fingerprint on my heart. A dear friend can shine the light in midst of total darkness.

In 2010 I ran 2 marathons, and logged over 1000 miles….now, I cannot even run around the block. This stings a lot, and feels like a tremendous loss. However, I will not give up hope, nor will I view this as a permanent situation. There has to be a reason for the tumultuous times, the storms of our lives, the ups and downs. I believe one of those reasons is for us to learn from the experience and grow stronger because of the setbacks. Maybe, just maybe, armed with this new knowledge, I can then pay it forward and help someone who may share the same struggles.

Whilst being grounded from running, I feel fortunate that I find I have more time to focus on my writing & personal growth.

It’s rather ironic how confining yet liberating a situation can be. Having my left foot in a boot has definitely forced me to slow down, to take the time to stop and smell the roses. It helps me appreciate things so much more.

It’s an old wives tale that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Yes, change is more difficult, but its absolutely necessary to grow as a person. I don’t want my life to become so predictable and still that it becomes a stagnant pond full of mosquitoes.

Toss me a lifejacket and churn up that water! It’s gonna be a wild ride!

"A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time for love, a time for hate
A time for peace, I swear it's not too late!"

Real Beauty, Defined

They say writing is cathartic, healing, a form of self-expression at its finest; the sharing of intimate thoughts, soul bearing.
I guess it’s time to promote some self healing, as I have attempted to hide my struggles for too long. Now is the time to come clean. Why not put pen to paper and see what happens?

All my life I have struggled with the concept and definition of BEAUTY. Webster defines beauty as such:
“Beauty: a combination of qualities, such as shape, color, or form, that pleases the aesthetic senses, especially the sight.”

My own self realization of beauty was flawed, and I struggled to find where I fit in.

It’s no secret that I have struggled with my weight most of my life. I heard “But you have such a pretty face” followed by “if only you lost weight” so many times I flippin’ lost count. Back in those days, beauty equaled thinness. Having a Mom who was thin, statuesque, and striking didn’t help matters much. Thanks for the genes, Dad.

Fourteen years ago I began a wondrous weight loss journey and felt as though I had finally discovered my true self - Jill - the person I had longed to be all those previous years. As the weight dropped off my body the attention I received grew, and I felt fabulous. Suddenly I was human, worthy, no longer the “fat girl“ sitting in the corner. I grew fit, strong, healthy. I vowed I would never ever go back to the hell that I was bound to all those years prior.

I was able to maintain my weight loss and fitness for quite a while with relative ease, and discovered a passion for running. I couldn’t get enough of it, 5ks, 10ks, 20ks, half marathons, full marathons. I had aspirations of running an ultra marathon before I hit the age of 50. I was golden, set for life….or, so I thought.

Then the auto-immune disease bus rolled into town with a ticket just for little ole’ me. It started innocently enough - hypothyroidism. Please! No big deal, take a pill every day, problem solved. Next came asthma - Pfft! Asthma Phasma! Suck an inhaler, pop a pill, and I’m good to go. Done! (Please note that I do not mean to imply that any of these conditions aren’t life changing and serious, they are -- I was just fortunate enough to get a handle on them with assistance from some great doctors.)

Well, that wasn’t the end of that. After the bus left town the auto-immune train chugged into the depot. Months of excruciating abdominal pain accompanied with the worst case of non-stop Montezuma’s revenge plagued me for several months. No answers, just a plethora of tests that left me even sicker and bathroom-ridden. I must have read 4 novels in the “library” while waiting for an answer to this riddle. Finally, a diagnosis was made- Collagenous Colitis. To be more specific, a form of Inflammatory Bowel disease, closely related to Crohn’s Disease and Ulcerative Colitis - just more rare. Lucky me. I should buy some lottery tickets.

This took more effort to conquer, and some days it still tries to get the better of me. But - I win! Post diagnosis, my belly full of meds and a modified diet, I was back to working out and pounding the pavement. Only major difference was now I knew to scout out all the bathrooms on my route, as well as carry a baggie full of Imodium pills, just in case.

Ha! I am invincible, nothing can stop this girl, right?! Little did I know that my strongest foe thus far was lurking in the shadows, just waiting for the perfect moment to strike.

Hiss! Rheumatoid Arthritis struck like a cobra, along with a smigden of Lupus for good measure (actually they are both intertwined into mixed connective tissue disease). This foe entered my life last year, and down I went.

RA is some seriously nasty stuff, and I am no where near to an answer to this puzzle - YET. Trial and error, with a cocktail of drugs that are wrecking havoc on my body is the game plan for now. Incredibly frustrating in the fact one day can be vastly different from the next. Pain in some fashion is the NEW norm now in my life.

Here is where the perception of “beauty” and its challenges comes into play. With auto-immune diseases, you don’t look “sick” on the outside, but there is a war waging with your body. Your very own cells are literally attacking each other, and it ain’t pretty.

I can see the subtle changes that RA has made to my body already - fingers & toes swell, new nodules blooming on my joints causing pain that makes simple tasks daunting. Puffiness and swelling from the drugs and disease itself, stiffness, malaise…..just to name a few. My body was so dependent upon and now craves the vigorous cardio I was once able to do with ease. As a result, 8 pounds have appeared and it’s hard as hell to get them off. But, work I must - as hard as I can to fight the fight.

I see pictures of myself and cringe, so afraid the 115 pounds lost all those years will come back to me, especially considering my current physical state. However, I know deep in my heart that outward beauty is totally superficial. True beauty is present in so many forms and cannot be easily defined.

True beauty can be present anywhere and anytime, from a simple loving gesture between friends to an exchange of wedding vows between lovers. I see the beauty in the moment as I scoop up my puppy so he can give me “puppy kisses”. I have witnessed a dear friend go thru a cancer diagnosis & subsequent chemotherapy treatments, lose her hair, and blossom into an even more beautiful woman than she was before!

I am privileged to witness inner & outer beauty blooming in my clients as they push thru a hard workout session. Inner beauty reflects their pride and outer beauty showcases their determination and sweat for a job well done! Nothing can compare to that, nothing!

I am always preaching that our weight does not define us, and now I guess it’s my turn to literally practice what I preach. I will work as hard as I can to keep my weight consistent, yet at the same time not lament about 5, 8, or even 10 pounds. True beauty has little to do with outward appearances, and is much more evident in our hearts & souls, our actions, and our behavior towards one another. True beauty shines thru no matter how thick the clouds may be.

I will do my very best every day to nourish my body, exercise as hard as I am able, and most importantly, to feed my soul.
I will not let RA define me as a person, nor will I allow it to take ownership of my life. I will strive to be the very best I can be, every day of my life.

Life is too short to do otherwise. Don’t you agree?

Breaking Old Molds

Isn't it ironic how we adults carry so much baggage from our childhood into our adult lives? We truly are bound by so many chains from our past, chains that serve no purpose other than to hold us down.
I find myself struggling at times to "break free" from the tiny confining molds I squished myself into when I was younger.

To quote Bob Dylan, "The times they are A-Changin", at least in this blogger's life.

Growing older is such an oxymoron. Awful in the fact that gravity plays so many cruel tricks on our physical bodies....in such a way that is comical. Standing in front of a mirror in your birthday suit can reduce a person to tears or hysterical laughter on any given day. Keep rolling with the punches is my motto!
With age comes wisdom, which in itself is a wonderful gift......we have the maturity and the patience to challenge ourselves to break free from the molds of our past that no longer serve our needs.

We have the ability to expand our thoughts & our consciousness as long as the heart and soul are receptive - what a wonderful adventure if you are willing to take the leap!

In my pursuit for personal growth and desire to break free from old molds from my past, I have stumbled upon a book that challenges my archaic way of thinking (thanks Sarah for the encouragement!!). It's a wildly exciting concept to change my actual perception of life and encounters that occur on a daily basis and view things in a different light.

There are endless opportunities in this great big world to grow emotionally & spiritually if you are ready to take the chance. Have the faith to dive into the pool of your subconscious mind without abandon and see what happens. We'll either sink or swim, but regardless of the outcome, we will come away from the experience richer because of it.

"What we think, we create."

 (**Excerpt from E-Squared, by Pamela Grout)

Humbled.

I've been lax about blogging lately, and it's time to become more disciplined about it. Funny how life has a way of interrupting our normal routine. Lately it feels as though I am jettisoning into a dozen different directions at the same time. Time to simplify and refocus.

 Webster's Dictionary has this as the definition of humble:
"not proud or haughty : not arrogant or assertive." That pretty much sums things up lately. Life has thrown a few curve balls my way that have caught my attention. Humbled. Me.Yep.

I had the most remarkable morning today, which has humbled me even further. I spent the early hours of the day with awesome co-workers & incredible friends, each of whom played a key part in orchestrating a beautifully choreographed Kids Triathlon that went off without a hitch.

The kids were absolutely amazing. Simply awesome to watch. Breathtaking at times. To witness the determination on a child's face, leaping into a pool without abandon, hopping on and then off a bicycle with grace, and then furiously willing their little legs to go faster and faster -- well, it was without a doubt one of the coolest things I have ever witnessed.

These kids have the heart of lions. Each and every one of them.

I'm grateful. And inspired. Grateful that I was able to be a part of such an awesome event and witness it first hand. I'm inspired too - despite the fact I am unable to run either fast or long (or anywhere in-between at the present moment!), I realize the importance of simply moving forward. One step at a time, doesn't matter how slow. I will continue to do the best I can do, which will be different from day to day. Perseverance will be my new mantra in life. Hopefully, with a little time and patience, I'll find my groove again.

In the meantime, it's really cool to witness others, especially the wee folk, reach their goals. I'll never forget the lessons I learned today.

A heroic tale

My husband rocks.

The other day, he did the most absolutely amazing thing, in my book anyway.

You see, at the school where he works, there is a lovely courtyard nestled between the buildings. There are some very special inhabitants of said courtyard – two precious-most-adorable-box-turtles. Some of you are probably scratching your head & wonder since when are box turtles adorable? In this girl’s book ALL turtles are adorable, and yes, I admit to being totally biased on that fact. However, let’s just keep that little tidbit between you and I; Toby Turtle would be insanely jealous if he found out he wasn’t my one & only. Anyway, these precious-most-adorable-box-turtles reside in the courtyard year round, even hibernating during the winter season, and have thrived there for several years.

The other morning as my beloved was performing his daily rounds, checking on the building before the chaos of the day began, he had the most intense urge to go check on the turtles. Call it fate, or some cosmic force pulling him to where he needed to be in the universe at that exact moment, or even a mere coincidence if you must – whatever it was, he listened to his intuition and headed to the courtyard pronto.

As he entered the courtyard, (get your Kleenex ready) one of the precious-most-adorable-box-turtles was smack dab in the middle of the murky, muddy, slimy, algae filled pond, completely still. First impressions were NOT pleasant by any means; the husband rushed over to assess the damage and free the turtle from his watery grave, certain that the little fellow had gone to meet his maker. Unlike Toby Turtle, who is a swimmer extraordinaire, box turtles are not aquatic and can drown in the smallest amounts of water.

Imagine the husband’s surprise & delight when the little fellow lifted his head up as he was being freed to look at his rescuer, as if he was using his last ounce of strength to convey the sentiment “thank you God!”

Precious-most-adorable-box-turtle was gently placed on dry land, and it’s rumored that he gazed at his rescuer with an intensely grateful grin. Precious-most-adorable box turtle #2 came out of hiding to sit with precious-most-adorable-box-turtle #1, and there they sat together for a good portion of the morning, until both had recovered from the trauma and had enough energy to go about their normal business of basking, eating, snoozing, and more basking. Lather, rinse, & repeat.

As my husband recanted this entire experience to me, naturally I gushed about what a hero he was, and peppered him with hugs & kisses. It was a good day.

One can only imagine the thoughts of desperation and hopelessness this little box turtle must have gone thru, and for how long his ordeal lasted.  At the moment when all hope was lost, and he more than likely accepted his fate, a miracle happened. Did he expect that miracle? Highly doubtful. Was his dire situation drastically changed in one minute’s time? You bet it was.

Next time you are feeling as if you are stuck in the mud, unable to free yourself from whatever bonds may be holding you down, when all seems hopeless – remember the story of the precious-most-adorable-box-turtle. In one split second, a miracle happened in his life & he was given another chance. Another chance to learn from his mistake, grow from it, and to never repeat it – no looking back, no regrets, simply moving forward and embracing each new day and all the wonders contained within.

Miracles really DO happen. We just have to slow down enough to watch for them, or we might miss them.

Where's the love??

At the risk of sounding cliché, I simply cannot think of a better title for this blog posting. Before I lose you completely, please let me elaborate on my experience that has prompted this post….

Today my hubby and I decided it would be a great day to hit the bike path for a nice leisurely bike ride; the weather was perfect and we wanted to take it all in. Naturally, many other fitness enthusiasts shared the same sentiment as we did, and the path was quite congested with other cyclists, walkers, runners, and even the occasional rollerblader. It was an idyllic scene - the sunshine was vibrant & warm, birds were singing lovely springtime melodies, and I wished time could stand still so the experience would never end.

That is, however, until we set upon our ride………how quickly the mood changed! Since we were not in any hurry, many cyclists felt the need to pass us. No big deal, I understand the need-for-speed, and we did our best to accommodate and line up in single file so they could safely pass. More often than not, as we were passed, there was no “thank you” or acknowledgement of any sort. Hmmmm….you’re welcome?

Even worse was the attitude of bicyclists that were going the opposite direction. I strive to be a friendly person, and always say “Hello” to those I pass; after my greeting was ignored several times, I decided to perform an experiment and keep track of my reciprocated greetings. I am so saddened to report that my success rate was less than 40%!! This, of course, is taking into account the hard core athletes who are “in the zone” and merely didn’t hear my greeting, or were conserving their oxygen levels by not speaking; I’ve been there/done that, so they were readily excused in my experiment.

 Nope, I am talking about the Sunday-driver type who were out there like me, chilling out & going for a nice bicycle ride on a lovely day. Several of them appeared to have a phobia about even establishing eye contact with me, and when the words “hello” were muttered from my lips they sped up as fast as their legs would carry them to escape the uncomfortable encounter. This can really give a person a complex, ya know!

Did I have B.O.? Well, I was sweating a bit, but a quick armpit check assured me that wasn’t the case. Spinach in my teeth? No, nothing nestled between my choppers. What could it be? Me?

As I carried on this internal dialogue in my head, and was able to convince myself that it wasn’t ME, I eventually resigned myself to the fact that folks just aren’t as friendly as they used to be. Perhaps in this day and age we are all so consumed with our own lives & problems that we fail to realize that there are OTHER human beings on this planet too. How tragic, to miss out on so many opportunities to meet someone new, exchange a smile, perhaps even make a wonderful new friend.

This does not mean, however, that everyone is completely self absorbed; I did receive several enthusiastic “Hello’s!” & “How ya doing?” that I appreciated immensely and generated a grin from ear to ear on my face. I even received a very helpful tip from a kind man who told me that I “would benefit from having my seat raised just a tiny bit”. Cool, thanks!

So, the moral of this story is that I will continue to greet all those I meet, whether it be in the grocery store, walking my dog in the neighborhood, or bicycling down a crowded bike path on a gorgeous day, and I readily encourage you to do the same.

Even though I may be rejected by many, I will embrace and relish the folks who accept & return my greeting, and cherish them so much more. Life is good!

Young women & weight gain

Did you happen to see this article in Yahoo Health that was published today?
http://news.yahoo.com/weight-gain-often-unrecognized-young-women-170314151.html

I find this to be an incredibly sad trend. Growing up in the 70's, as a young child & a teenager, I WAS VERY aware of my weight issues and how it made me vastly different from my peers. I totally stood out from everyone else because of my size, but I had NO idea of the health risks that were associated with being obese into adulthood. Back in "the good ole days" most kids were a healthy weight (unlike yours truly).

The startling fact is that now we do know more about the health risks associated with being overweight or obese, yet our kids (and adults for that matter) are getting heavier by the day. I am passionate in my belief that, as parents, we must help our kids adopt a healthier lifestyle to avoid becoming overweight in the first place. One-third of Americans are already classified as overweight or obese; at this rate, I expect within the next 5-10 years over half of Americans will be struggling with their weight issues.

It's up to us as parents & role models to demonstrate healthy behaviors, which include incorporating more fruits & vegetables into our diets, as well as daily exercise, to SHOW our children how to live a healthier lifestyle. After all, aren't we ALL worth it?

Our kids are depending on us! Let's not let them down!